Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Tell her how much he appreciates it. lets_be_honest Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Neither does your husband. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. He came home four hours later. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . Forget it. Will he ever change? If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. honeybeenicki I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! sarolabelle Older and (hopefully) wiser I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. What is arguable? (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Older and (hopefully) wiser Have you read Tumblr recently? They loved it, I hated it. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. I got a very different vibe from this. bittergaymark July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. You can see it in the fighting. July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. I still think hes acting out like a child. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. I agree with you to some extent. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. I have to agree. He thinks it's ridiculous. Ostensibly through her mother. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. bittergaymark Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? Up to a point. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. Skyblossom But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. A little . Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. Sometimes those things just happen. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Definitely! My dad would also try to do things we liked. YES! Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. Why should your husband treat her that way?? I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. I just dont get it. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. Of course its going to drive her away from him. I would call that well-rounded. Hah! Spyglassez How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? No. So insightful! It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. Aaaaah! Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Last week she followed him home after classes again, even though his bus goes in the opposite direction to where she lives. Find a common ground youve got to. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Um, not so much. Dont talk negatively about her father. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. She gets too invested in her daughters life. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. Cool! Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. And he doesnt have to hide that. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. Mommy and daddy present a united front. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. From one mom to another. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? Yes! He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Which is exactly why she wrote in. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. My mom is super-duper awesome. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. FUCK BOARD GAMES. And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). Your email address will not be published. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. Mother of a Fangirl. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. bittergaymark To care for our two young kids. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. Great lesson to learn from your dad. Theres no excuse for that. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). lets_be_honest Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. My best friend is in that episode! Its already happening. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. Weird. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. | My fave was Joey for the record. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. "If your family don't want to see both of you . We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). By myself, though. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Show interest in his interests. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. 1. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. My sister and I grew up reading scifi and fantasy. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. , so i guess it cuts both ways. I hiked and canoed. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Too little time to post! I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad.
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